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thestruggleto180

Vacation

Sorry I have been MIA lately guys! I was preparing for vacation, started a new job, and have been on vacation for the last week. It’s been a much needed break. I weighed in at 309 right before leaving for vacation! I’m a little nervous to weigh when I get home. I have admittedly been drinking pop/soda and not eating the greatest but I have been super active. I will give you guys an update when I make it back home in a couple of days and share what the damage is lol.

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Back on

OK…. now that I am over my little pity party from struggling last weekend, I am doing great. I have gotten myself in a routine of getting up at 5am every morning to hit the gym before work. I never would have thought I could get up early to go work out. Usually I could barely peel myself out of bed to take a quick shower before work, and occasionally I would sleep until the last minute and just throw on clothes, wash my face, brush my teeth and use lots of dry shampoo lol.
I am now down to 310 lbs! That is 34 pounds lighter! Go me! I leave for family vacation to attend my uncles beach wedding in 18 days. My goal is to be under 300 by that time. I know I can do this. I figured I would share my daily routine with you all and get your input and suggestions.

I get up at 5am, drink a bottle of water with my Phentermine (this is prescribed by my physician) and get ready for the gym.
I workout for an hour to an hour and a half depending on time. I usually do a bit of cardio (stair stepper, treadmill and bike) and than do weights (alternating arm and leg days).
When I get home, I fix 2 scrambled eggs and than get ready for work.
When I get to work I eat a banana to finish up my breakfast.
Between my breakfast and lunch, I eat some kind of fruit. Lunch is a meal replacement shake. Afternoon snack is usually either Greek yogurt or fruit. I get home from work and eat a nice home cooked meal. Usually some kind of grilled meat, a vegetable and a baked potato. I do my housework (which we all know can be a great workout lol) and have an evening snack of sugar free pudding or a 100 calorie pack.
This is working for me so far. I don’t binge eat because I don’t allow myself to get extremely hungry by eating small amounts of food multiple times a day. The only meal that is over 200 calories is my dinner. I never eat over 1600 calories a day.
I will say the hardest part for me is working out. I feel ignorant when it comes to knowing what I should be doing in the gym. My fiance tries to help me but I still am unsure of how long to do what, how much weight to lift, etc. I have thought about splurging for a couple of personal training sessions after I get back from vacation. We shall see, but for now I’m extremely motivated and disciplined. This makes me so proud. I still struggle with cravings but the important thing is that I am NOT giving into those cravings!

What works for you guys? Any suggestions?

My night

Last night I went to Sam’s club. Usually it would be to buy bulk snacks, pop, sugary cereals, etc. This time it was to stock up on meat and healthier drink options. 220 bottles of water, 28 bottles of flavored water, 24 bottles of diet green tea and this is what is stacked up near my front door…..

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After carrying all of that in and stocking my refrigerator and drinking this yummy pre-workout intensifier,

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we went to the gym. I decided to use this little fat loss monitor to get a starting point.

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These numbers overwhelmed me. How did I get to this point?!? I know these are not 100% accurate but it still got me feeling down. This motivated me more than I thought it would. I did every leg machine in the gym. By that point my legs were cramping up so bad that I knew I had to be done. But boy did I feel accomplished. I worked out until i could not workout anymore. My legs were buckling on me every time i took a step. I burned off 300 more calories than I consumed yesterday just between my workout and my daily steps. I have got this! Today I am making my food addiction and laziness my bitch! Lol.

I do have to say a huge thank you to the individuals who have liked, and left comments on my blog, twitter and instagram. You guys are giving me even more motivation with the kind words!

Cheat days?!? Good or bad?

Ok…. so in the past, when I “dieted” I would allow myself one day per week where I would cheat on my diet. I didn’t count calories and ate out at a fast food place. This time I said I wasn’t going to have cheat days. We’ll last night I gave onto my cravings. I went to sonic and got a supersonic double cheeseburger, a medium fry and a rt 44 vanilla coke. I consumed over 2400 calories for the day. Luckily I burned a lot of calories by swimming with my nephew earlier in the day. I did not allow myself to feel guilty. I picked myself up and told myself I wasn’t going to give in again. If we do want to eat out, I will look at nutrition facts before I even order. I am all for treating myself but I need to learn to not go overboard.

How many people have a cheat day? Does it work for you, or does it seem to set you back?

My addiction

I am a food addict. I think I always will be. The thing I have to remember is, that I am stronger than the addiction. Binge eating is always a struggle. During the week, I use meal replacement shakes for Breakfast and lunch and supplement with fruit. For dinner I eat a normal meal. I watch portion sizes and calories. Through the week it’s not so hard to stick to. On the weekends, I allow myself a yummy breakfast of either sausage or bacon, eggs and some kind of potatoes. This is where it is hard for me. I still watch my portions and calories for this meal. Those items are very high calorie when it’s all said and done and I feel like the serving size is so tiny compared to what I used to eat for breakfast. I always want to say screw it, I WANT more. But that’s the thing… I am finally able to decipher the difference  between what my body WANTS and what my body NEEDS. Food is fuel for my body. I don’t need as much as my brain is telling me I do.
The second thing that has proven to be very difficult for me, is drinking my calories. WATER WATER WATER WATER WATER…… I get SICK of water. I went from being a person that drank nothing but pop (soda for some of you) all day every day (Mountain dew to be exact), to trying to give that up. Let me tell you this is not easy. The caffeine withdrawals are horrible. I went 6 days without. Yesterday I caved and got a Coke zero. At first I felt horrible, but than I reminded myself that I am going to make mistakes. I am going to have off weeks. I just cannot allow myself to give up just because I had one weak moment. I decided I should be PROUD that I made it 6 days and that when I did finally get a pop, I stuck with something diet.
A lot of addiction is mental. I finally have my mind in the right place to do this and stick with this.

Progress

I have never been one to stick to a diet because it is HARD. I have always been a person of convenience. Running through drive through is convenient, eating a whole bag of chips is convenient, grabbing a huge bowl of ice cream is convenient. I have been lazy with my eating habits and exercise was not in my plan. I made the excuse that I didn’t have time. I told myself any lie I could to get out of making this lifestyle change. But that is no longer an issue. I am making the time. Yesterday after work, I was exhausted but I took my butt to Walmart and bought nothing but healthy food.

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I than did dishes from the last few days so I would have containers to begin prepping my meals for the next few days.

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Thankfully I have my fiancé helping me in every aspect. He is doing this right along with me and that is helping me stay on track. He started cutting up fruit and chopping veggies. By this time, it was almost 11pm. I was so tired but we went to the gym. He helped me figure out the weight machines and how many sets and reps to do at what weight. I feel extremely motivated at this point. When I was getting ready for the gym, I looked in the mirror and realized that my shirt was actually loose. I went looking through my phone for a picture of me wearing the same shirt and found one from 4 months ago. The shirt was skin tight! I was huge. I didn’t realize I had made that much progress already. This is just a reminder that I CAN do this.

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Now

Now that I have shared my past which explains why I am the way I am… I want to set something straight. I am not using all of that as an excuse for being fat. I know this is all on me. I have no health issue that prevents me from losing weight. I do have a degenerative disease in my spine that makes it hard to work out. My spine doesn’t have the normal curves a spine should have.  But I will not let that stop me anymore. I am taking responsibility for myself. No more excuses to give up. I said in my last post, I weighed in at 344.2 pounds on 1/1/15. I have dieted and worked out off an on since than and made it down to 320.4 as of today. So my ultimate goal is 180 pounds. I don’t care how long it takes me to get there. I’m not setting a deadline. I just know I am going to work my ass off and I will get there. That is 140 pounds I still need to get rid of. That is a whole other person! Usually that realization would have made me very anxious and doubtful. Usually I would give up and say there is NO way I can lose that much weight. But now I am saying, I CAN and I WILL!
To anyone who is struggling with anxiety, depression, weight loss struggles, eating disorders, or any other issues, please don’t hold it all inside anymore. Find someone you can talk to and work through these barriers. I would be more than happy to try to help in any way possible. You are worth the time and effort to make your life right. Feel free to contact me if you are struggling. My personal email is
the.struggle.to.180@gmail.com . I may not be able to offer advice all the time but I know how important it is to have someone to talk to and confide in.
Love and believe in yourself lovelies!

The explanation of how i got to this point. This is a long story and very very hard to talk about. I dont want sympothy and I am not trying to depress anyone with my story. But it is my story and it explains a lot of why I am the way I am today.

Ok where to begin…. I have always been a heavy girl. I have felt ashamed of my body my entire life. Elementary school and middle school were rough as a “fat girl”. Highschool was even harder. Getting teased and made fun of took a toll on my self esteem like none other. I’m not going to get into all the things that happened when I was way younger. I will start with highschool. I moved to a new town when I was 14. I left all of my friends whom I was comfortable around and had to be the “new kid” in school. That’s rough on anyone but it’s even worse being an overweight teenager. It took me a while to make friends. Even when I did make friends, I didn’t feel comfortable with them like i was at my old school. I joined choir and found out I could sing! Like really sing! That was the first time I felt comfortable in my new school. Singing became a huge passion of mine. Made me forget how awkward I felt around these new people. I started coming out of my little bubble. The next year I joined the show choir. That was an amazing experience! I was a part of my youth group praise team. All was good in the world of Whitney. My grandmother paid for me to do a program called L.A. weight loss. I was losing weight slowly but surely. Self esteem boosted! Fast forward to the nexy year. We got a new choir teacher. She did not put me in the show choir and I was devastated but I decided to be a part of the stage crew. This woman had the NERVE to tell me she wanted me to learn the songs so I could sing from the side of the stage. That she needed my powerful voice. I came to the conclusion that my weight was the reason she didn’t put me in the show choir. She was more concerned about the choreography and the lifts. I had lost the one thing I enjoyed. Every other person had something to look forward to. Sports, a boyfriend, drama, whatever. I wanted something! Every guy I liked turned me away. They would come up with some excuse… that I was too smart for them or I wasn’t their type. But I knew it was because I was too fat. The summer after that school year, I turned 18 and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I started drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes and marijuana. My senior year the choir teacher put me in show choir but I was still into drinking and drugs. It made me forget my problems. I was at a party one night. The guy I was hanging out with kissed me. I had finally gotten my first kiss at the age of 18! I knew the drinking and smoking was wrong but I kept doing it because I had a guy showing interest in me for once and that is what he did for fun. One night I was so drunk and high that I couldn’t even move. That guy I cared so much about having like me, took advantage of that. I haven’t admitted this to a lot of people… but that night I was raped. I said no! But he did it anyway. I passed out and woke up with 2 guys fighting and one was holding a knife. I got up and wobbled my way into the bathroom and locked the door. That is when my parents showed up. I thank God that I was honest with my parents about where I was. They took me home and I spiraled into a deep depression. I couldn’t make myself go to school half the time. And when I did go to school so many people were talking about me. I’m not even going to repeat the things that were being said because that no longer matters. I ended up dropping out of highschool. I went from a 3.7gpa honor student in advanced classes one year, to a failing senior drop out. I went to work, came home and went to sleep. I repeated that process day in and day out. I spent my extra time talking to random guys on the Internet looking for someone to want me. I quit smoking marijuana and I got in a relationship with an older guy from another state. I thought things were great until one day I made him angry. I was clingy (I had never had a boyfriend so I had no clue how to act) and he ended up hitting me right in my face. I sunk back into that depression I fought so hard to get out of. At the time, I didn’t even know this was a thing… but that is when the binge eating disorder came out. I started eating massive amounts of food. I would hide it. I would go to a fast food restaurant and order enough food for 4 people. I ate it all. I was ashamed but I just couldn’t stop. I gained a lot of weight. Over the span of a couple of years, I got up to 330 pounds. I was so depressed and hated myself. I had major anxiety issues. But I was still alive and pushing on. I randomly dated lots of guys off the internet wanting to feel loved. Wanting to feel like a person again. And than I met yet another guy that I “loved”. In all reality I just wanted to be wanted. I moved in with him and found out he smoked marijuana and he started pressuring me to do it too. So I did. I loved him right?!? What would it hurt?!? He was verbally and mentally abusive and broke me down to where I felt like I had to stay because nobody else would want me. I worked 2 jobs to support his “habit” while he worked one part time job after the other. Quiting anytime someone made him upset. I was financially and emotionally drowning. At this point I started popping pills along with smoking. Made me numb to the emotional pain I was going through. I was able to handle my anxiety with the help of drugs. I stopped binge eating and lost some weight. After 3 years of this toxic relationship, I had had enough when he told me I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my family or friends. I was suppose to just stay at home and work my 2 jobs to support him. I packed my things, called my parents and finally got the courage to remove myself from the situation. I felt better already. I kept working 2 jobs because I was already used to it and I had to get out of the debt he helped me create. But about a month later, I was working at my second job which happened to be an adult video and toy store. It was almost midnight. Almost time to go home for the night. I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and saw something out of the corner of my eye. I thought I was just being paranoid. I do have anxiety after all. A man comes running out of the bushes, head to toe camo and a mask, and has a gun pointed at me. He had me go inside and get the money from the register all while having the gun pointed directly at my face. After the money was in his hand he had me go to the bathroom and shut me in and told me to count to 100 before coming out. I was terrified. I couldn’t think… I couldn’t count… I couldn’t breathe. I reported the robbery to the cops after locking the front door and than called my boss, who is my best friend. I sat and waited, crying and trying to get a breath. After that everything went downhill again. My binge eating disorder came back in to play, with a vengeance. My new boyfriend at the time tried to make me feel better but nothing could. I was scared and i couldnr imagine anything that was going to change that. After a year I started to get over it all. I was happy again. I worked hard and lost some weight by getting a membership to the local ymca. Than I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was never really one to snoop through someone’s phone. I was a pretty trusting person but that night I had the urge to go through his phone. He was contacting girls on Craigslist ads. I was yet again broken. I thought I would never recover from everything that had happened to me. But when I least expected it, I met my fiancé.  I was so scared that things weren’t going to work out because I am a mess. I felt like I was damaged. But he loves me regardless of how much of a anxious mess i can be. He helps to keep me calm. I admitted to my binge eating disorder and although it is a constant struggle in the back of my mind, I am managing it. I am finally happy again. On March 29th of this year, we got engaged after 1.5 years together. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He makes me feel whole again. I don’t do drugs anymore, I don’t drink anymore, I dont smoke cigarettes anymore. I am working on being a healthier person. So here is where my journey is beginning. On January 1st 2015, I weighed in at a whopping 344.2 pounds. The heaviest I have ever been. My ultimate goal is to get to 180 pounds but my first task is to look fabulous in my wedding dress.

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